One

I have always had this weird dream to have a successful blog. I’m not studying communications so I’m very unprofessional. In fact, my passion is pictures but I’ve always loved poetry. I have never made it a priority because of my other obligations that keep me busy. I also have a habit of typing out thousands of words and deleting them before anyone gets to read. I get anxious thinking about my choice of words. If they aren’t 100 % something I mean then I don’t want a reader. Perfection is what I want but that does not include spelling just to be clear. 

I’ve always have intended to share I just was never sure when or how would be best. I have always talked about writing a book and one time my two friends in high school always joked we could write a tv show. Both are still possibilities but without a director or publisher, I’m only capable of a blog post today. I have always loved to write and it’s something I have been doing for years. From the time I was in fourth grade on up, I would write myself these little notes that are stories of my past times. I have a special little place for them that no one will find until I die. (Which I know will make for an interesting funeral). I have them organized by my series of traumas. I won’t lie that I read them from time to time. Some of them are burnt in half hotdog style and I’m not sure what made me decide to do that. However, even without all the words I still know each story. I always plan on this. It was like taking notes for a research paper. I am nowhere with at least 10 years of material and still afraid that it’s not enough. The longer I wait I’m afraid the less passionate I’ll become. 

For those that know me well know the condition I was born with is rather complicated to understand even by people who hold a Ph.D.. It’s different than anything they have ever seen. I have to say being this unique does come with its challenges but I really can’t imagine it any other way. It was God’s perfect plan for me to be born this way and my eyes fill with water when I think about how he took the extra time to get creative when making me. So unique, so strong, so fearless and not perfect. 

Sometimes I tell a lie or two when people ask about what it is like and sometimes I can get them to believe me. When I share I like to share the positives and the funny stories. The truth is I don’t ever want anyone to even get the chance to feel bad for me. When your friend calls to tell you her dog died you can’t help to feel bad. It’s human instinct to feel bad when we hear trauma. This is why I often can’t bring myself to say anything because I’m afraid to make anyone feel bad. I can’t stand to see the look on anyone’s face after I explain it so I just don’t. 

The truth is... it’s cool, it’s scary, it’s rewarding, it’s sad, its surprising, it’s frustrating, it’s thrilling. Somethings that are even more true are it made me sick, it made me tough, it made me laugh, it made me weak, it made me scream, it made me strong, it made me cry but most importantly it made me learn. 

I feel like it would be selfish to not share what I have learned so far. It would be a crime to withal information from anyone who could find any of this information helpful. 

I spent more days in quarantine last year than this year (2020). I learned more in those 365 days than I have my whole life. Anyone born like me is puzzled by this whole situation. It’s hard to fear 14 days after you have spent years suffocating. Anyone who has lived on the edge like me, is the least bit concern. I’m not talking about the ones who are locked away fearing their life because the guy in the lab coat said you were more vulnerable. I’m talking to the ones that are prepared to fight once again for their life and is proof that the guy in the lab coat can be wrong. I understand how that 2% feels as just one year ago today I was suffocating myself, with 90% oxygen levels (on my best day), praying, and begging for anyone to help me. It was the worse year of my life so far and it just seemed like I was up against the world.  

I mean NOTHING was easy. My tears would’ve probably filled the James river if I would’ve saved them. I was hurting not only physically but mentally. The hardest part was keeping myself sane. The year seemed to have never ended and my surgery date seemed like it just kept getting further and further away. I know those are the longest 14 days of some of these people’s lives and it probably seems like it will never end. I remember the feeling myself but I knew I was capable of overcoming. 

Everyone who can relate to my situation would agree that different anatomy makes for a different life. It’s like God hands us a pair of glasses and we begin to see things that no one else can. It's not the disability that gives us a different perspective but the emotions that come with it. It’s the closest thing there is to reading minds if you ask me. We walk into a room and we know exactly how you are feeling. We feel the frustration of the doctors trying to find a solution, we feel the fear in our parents as they are unsure what is to come, and we feel the rejection from our peers. Not only can we spot the obvious ones but we have felt stupid after missing the test review for an appointment, we have felt weak in gym class because of our physical capabilities, we have felt rejection when we can’t make the sports team, we have felt left out when we have to miss the party all your friends will attend while your at the doctor, which all helps us understand how the world around us is feeling. If it’s an emotion we have felt we understand.

With that being said we know how you are feeling right now. It is the curveball you never saw coming. Whether you feel defeated, isolated, uncertainty, or sadness we understand. I’m sorry if you were ripped away from a big opportunity. I’m sorry if your mental health had been improving. I’m sorry if it isn’t what you planned. I’m sorry if you lost something you will never get to have. I know my apologies can’t solve any of your problems but I can tell you how to still make your time valuable and enjoyable. 

I am convinced that only people like me understand the value of a minute. See time is a currency we can only spend once. If it’s spent right you can have anything you could ever want but if not you may be stuck wishing for it your whole life. 

Every day I wake up and do the same thing every day. In fact, each of us born different wake-up and do the same thing every day.

From the day we are born until the day we die we wake up and do the SAME thing every day. You would think it would get old but I’ve never lived the same day twice. It’s not very complicated. There are no materials needed nor is there an age requirement. You don’t even have to have all your body parts. You can do it anywhere at any time this includes during a global pandemic. 

Capable. C A P A B L E. 

No matter what I wake up every day and do anything I’m capable of doing. Whether that means I’m in school learning, serving tables at a restaurant, taking pictures, at the gym, substitute teaching, jumping rope, planting a garden, taking a photoshop class, reading a book, building a website, cooking, planning or taking a trip, volunteering my time to the children, running a mile, climbing a tree, writing in my journal, going on a shopping spree, writing a blog, the list overwhelms me on almost days. However some days the list is very short. I remember the days in the hospital where I was only capable of walking that lap around the hospital wing. Those 50 ft really makes you feel strong. Even on my worse days, I’m still capable of something even if that’s just a lap around the hospital wing. I will still find a way to get something done. There is just so much that I’m capable of doing every day and I don’t even have all my body parts. 

Everyone is capable of something and what’s so great is no one's list is the same. Example #1 did you noticed I didn’t put “do tik tok dances” up above that’s because I have no rhythm, therefore, I’ll leave the groovy dances up to the hype house. Example #2 as you can see above I did not include flying a plane because let’s face it, I can barely drive a car. 

That’s what’s so great about everyone’s list being different. We can experience a plane ride because of the pilot, we can enjoy great food because of the chefs, we can experience a book because of the author, and so much more. This is something I hate to be the one to say it especially In a time like this but... Everyone and I mean everyone is essential. Without one another the world would never spin. I mean imagine if we all have the same list nothing would ever get done. Wouldn’t it be unfortunate if everyone’s compassion was plumbing? That’s what I call a shitty situation! In a land nothing more than toilets and showers I don’t believe we would survive. If we were to survive who would be considered the “best plumber”. There would be a lot of competition for the golden plunger and I’m not sure how that would end. 

My inspiration Allen Watts once said “therefore more when you realize, that in a world without eyes the sun will not be light, and in a world where there are no soft skins rocks would not be hard, nor in a world without muscles would there be heavy, existence is relationship and you are smack in the middle of it” and I couldn’t have said it any better myself. If no one was capable there would be no such thing as existence and if there were no existence there would be no such thing as capable. Not only do we need one another but we all are also capable of being great at something. Although just because you are capable doesn’t mean you don’t have to try.

 I remember having this conversation with a few of the fifth-grade boys one time. They are my students that find themselves to be “too cool” from time to time. One day they were making fun of a classmate that had recorded her self singing on YouTube. The second she shared with the class "my cool kids" were quick to shoot it down. When we were discussing the situation later we talked about Mason Ramsey and how he made it to fame. Something that probably everyone would consider to be a foolish idea or an embarrassment that made his dreams come true. That YouTube video was essentially like their rec football team. I mean they wanted to go pro and she wanted to be the next pop star and they may have been at the beginning of their journey but they had each doing what they were capable of doing at the moment. Just like myself when I was having the time of my life in Baltimore. I had to try to find out if I was capable of taking that lap around the hospital wing. I may be capable of becoming the next photographer for Times magazine but the only way to find out is to keep taking pictures. 

Someone once told me “when opportunity knocks me sure to answer” and all I have to say what horrible advice! I don’t understand why anyone would want to sit behind a door to wait when they are capable of walking out the door to find it themselves. Maybe I’m impatient but I know that if I run while you wait I’ll be there first as long as I am capable. Even if I end up with two broken legs you will never see a wheelchair roll faster. 

If you exist today you are capable of something. I hope today you woke up and asked yourself “what am I capable of today?” I hope that instead of laying in bed I hope you got up and ran far so you could get ahead. I hope it made you feel accomplished! I hope you are one step closer to everything you have ever wanted. I hope you are capable because I’m afraid if everyone “can’t” or nobody “will” then the world might stop spinning. Without existence, there is no capable and without capable, there is no existence

LOVE YOU <3